Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
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To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!