Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.