Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
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If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.