my fav colour is also hitler
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“I FIXED IT!”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing