I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
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When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Möther may I have a snäck
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
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