“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
the dark web is just a goth google.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple