Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.