Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎