Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after