coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
beware of dog
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into