*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Dishonest mechanic?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.