ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
You Might Also Like
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.