I’d rather go liquor treating.
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.