Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000