Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.