MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
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me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director