It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.