Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog