Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
You Might Also Like
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
wtf is a larm clock?