I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
You Might Also Like
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
We take our 40% off sale seriously at