Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Oh my god
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it