Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job