when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
You Might Also Like
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.