JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
You Might Also Like
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people