*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: