Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
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To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
A fake ID that makes you younger
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Breaking news:
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.