Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
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My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I’d love this…lol
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.