Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
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Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.