If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
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[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier