Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there