1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
You Might Also Like
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.