I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I’m giving up for Lent.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.