Ironic
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.