Tony Hawk, age 6
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?