someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
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Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”