[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
You Might Also Like
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks