Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh