Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
The second world war should have been called world war returns
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.