I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
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Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.