Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
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[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.