If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
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Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there