lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Stop sending me this shit.