sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 馃槶
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Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Now they’ll never find me…馃槀馃槒馃惢
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Mis茅rables
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It鈥檚 uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they鈥檙e embarrassed they didn鈥檛 floss. Did you floss?
ME: It鈥檚 because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn鈥檛 floss.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
not now, i鈥檓 busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.