It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
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Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
This probably isn’t good
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
WTF
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Running from your problems is cardio .