Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
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the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.