REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Are you ok, human???
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Adultry does not sound fun at all
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.