*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
You Might Also Like
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause