[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
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Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess