When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?