*puts cutlery down*
You Might Also Like
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad